Letter: J. Williams, Ashburn

Editor:  I want to start off by thanking Loudoun County Public Schools for thinking of us tiger moms in their recent advertisement for the new LCPS mobile app. As an apex predator, sometimes the little details in life just slip my mind. How does society expect me to do it all? I really have to remember my own work schedule in addition to my entire families? That’s my job? It’s hard enough to memorize the routes and schedules of migratory grass fed wild boar and 100 percent organic sika deer to put healthy food on the table for my kids, let alone know what time soccer practice ends. It’s all just a huge pain in the stripes. Which reminds me, I really need to pull my cubs from soccer. It’s not that I don’t have time to bring them between cleaning the house and closing international business deals at the office, it’s just that they really suck at it.
Have you ever seen a tiger cub play with a ball? Literally every game starts with a red card. Within 30 seconds my cubs have either grabbed an opponent by the throat with their teeth, or sliced the ball in half with their claws. I’m sorry I didn’t have time to trim those talons down, coach, I was on the phone with China bringing high paying jobs back to America.

Loudoun County Public Schools, you know why things move fast here in Northern Virginia? It’s because tiger moms can run 30-40 miles per hour, ambushing our pray, over powering them from any angle. I’ve got an angle for you: 68.2 percent of us charismatic megafauna, aka women, in Loudoun contribute to the civilian labor force, and while some offices allow their employees to wear yoga pants to work, I cannot. It’s not because my office’s dress code prohibits it, but because all of my yoga pants are literally tied up in knots. Do you know how hard it is to untie knots without opposable thumbs? It’s not just hard; it’s impossible. Just like using the LCPS mobile app—because without thumbs what’s a poor little old tiger mom like me to do?

Word spreads fast in the jungles of Loudoun. Nala from sales was furious that the LCPS mobile app ad assumed that taking care of children was the MOM’S job in a two-parent household, but I for one was thrilled. Being a single mom with my cubs’ father out of the picture since birth has been really tough, and Loudoun County Public Schools completely ignoring the fact that that man ever existed really made me purr. Meow.
When I had my first litter of six, I thought, this would be it, I’m done for. Somebody call big game hunter and mediocre sandwich restaurateur, Jimmy John Liataud, and let him know I’m ripe for the poaching. But nay, dear reader, I did what my mother and her mother before her did. I lapped up the spilt milk, and did everything I needed to do for my cubs to live a happy and fulfilling life. A life for me that consisted of long hard days at the office, juggling my entire family’s schedule, sitting through mind numbing PTA meetings, all the while dodging woefully regretful sexist and racist quips from my local public school system in a mediocre ad that they called “satire.”
But for real: What day does school start?

J. Williams, Ashburn

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